Day 3 - Meditation Experiment

Meditate: No
Weight: 182
Caloric intake: 1318
Carbs: 138
Fat intake: 54 
Sugar intake: 34
Water intake: 6 glasses
Exercise time: 180 minutes

Today's cleaning day. We have an inspection tomorrow, and while it only needs to be presentable, I'm taking the opportunity to actually organize a bit. I'm putting all the stuff that should be in storage into storage and sorting clothes and papers. Old magazines are getting trashed, etc. Time to declutter life a little. We're trying something - if it is an object that doesn't have a place, or if it's clothes that haven't been worn or aren't sentimental (the dress I married him is important), it's getting sent to the garage. So are our extra books that we have no space for, and those will just be stored until we have a larger bookcase. We can retrieve or list for retrieval things we miss and if after 3 months we still haven't missed it, we'll go through it and pull out the stuff that isn't "needed" but stuff we want to keep - I don't use my son's ultrasound pictures but I'm definitely not letting them go, for example. The rest is getting donated or trashed, depending on its usability.

I slept terribly, stressed about having so much to do. I had nightmares that Satan himself was trying to prevent me from getting it done, and terrible things were happening in my home. Company kept coming over, and everything was constantly delayed. When I tried to call Chris for help, the call disappeared as if it had never happened, and any further attempts to dial out resulted in either a phone error or a button press would put out the wrong number, or too many numbers. I realized the house was transforming and got really upset that there was a different back door and then eventually the front door changed to the same as the new back door. It didn't make sense, because the door was larger than before so changing it would have meant creating a new frame. Finally, I got things to calm down and Chris got home and everything was as it was before. It was like the people had never been there, nothing had been wrong with the phone, and the doors were back. He acknowledged we had been talking ('cause I'd started feeling crazy) but says I was talking one second and the next second there was a fast busy signal. He'd tried calling back but looked at the phone and saw that the calls hadn't made it here. So he said he believes anything I would tell him because something's obviously off. But the doors were back to normal so there was nothing much to say. I was just happy it was done.

I'm sure that was just a manifestation of my stress about cleaning. I am constantly running out of time any time I try to do anything. Thankfully, today's been a bit better than that. I've gotten a lot done. Still not everything I wish I could have by now, but I'm taking it easy 'cause I also do have tomorrow morning, and Chris is going to be home tonight to help, so I don't want to be too tired to work then. I'm trying to pace myself a bit so my energy goes farther.

Still, if I burn less than 500 calories today, I'd be amazed. One hour of cleaning down, and I'm halfway through with the organization in our bedroom. I still have to clean/organize my son's room, which isn't hard 'cause he's 2 so it's either clothes or toys, clean up the bathroom, and then I can get to the bad part of the house - the living room and kitchen. Really, the living room isn't too bad. It's mostly clutter that just needs to be swept through and organized. There's some spots on the walls and dusting to do but really, nothing too unsightly. But the kitchen - there's clutter, there's dirty dishes, there's tile counters to bleach, a stove to clean, a floor to vacuum and mop, spots on walls & backsplash, appliances to wipe down... I really hope I can just get everything done tonight so that tomorrow morning can just be devoted to the kitchen.

Sorry to rant, but all of this being in my head is why I didn't even try to meditate today. I don't believe I would do anything but feel frustrated at not being able to find peace. I've been typing this while taking a break since my son's napping. I have to break up the pattern I wanted to do things in and that makes my anxiety spike so I'm kind of panicking at the moment. I have to work in a different room and I'm not sure if I can do that.

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End of Day


So I ate a healthy amount and drank a lot of water today while cleaning. I still have a lot of cleaning to do tonight. Right now I'm working on dishes, but I also have to wipe down stuff in the bathroom, including scrubbing the bathtub that has been subject to him about once a day. When Chris gets home with my new mop I'm going to vacuum and mop the floors. He's going to move all of our clutter out, too, and I'm sure otherwise generally be a human of much comfort. He has already mentioned a bath.

While I haven't been as productive as I wanted to be and I did have a couple of panic attacks (especially when I tried to call him and one of the buttons pushed twice - eek! Nightmare come true!), I have noticed that having a deadline lessens the intensity of my anxiety. The problem with anxiety is, I love cleaning. Oh, how I love it. If my back and wrists will cooperate, I really love getting physically involved and breaking a sweat doing something productive! Seeing the payoff without it being only for the purpose of vanity is a much better reward. I'd much rather lose weight because my daily productivity burns calories, than exercise, because exercise makes me feel like I'm fat and trying to change it. Cleaning the house makes me feel like my house is now cleaner and hey, I burned calories doing that, too! Maybe I'll just find a physical activity to obsess myself with that has a purpose.

Also, I'm tempted to eat healthier when I'm already tired, because I want to replenish missing vitamins and minerals. I ate well today, and didn't go over any of the metrics I watch. I'm proud of myself today.

Day 2 - Meditation Experiment

Meditated? Yes
Music: Philip Glass - The Hours
Weight: 183
Calories: 1045
Fat: 40
Carbs: 145
Sugar: 93
Water intake: 4 glasses
Exercise: None

That was a great song to meditate to! Very moving, but also very peaceful. I definitely achieved the "nothingness" with that song.

The exercise was negated because of schedule. That's fine, having a day off is alright as long as I keep it up otherwise. Also, I'll get hours of cleaning done tomorrow and will surely break a sweat to make up for it. I went over on my sugars, because of the soda I drank and the bread I ate. Sometimes, I forget to think about the things I ingest as fuel and value them for taste. However, I got over 1000 calories, which is still a start, I did manage the minimum goal for water, and though I had a major anxiety attack that wouldn't even let me go to the restroom, I still managed to write a 1100 word paper (double the requirement) and enjoy the 4th.

It's interesting that the meditation did not by any means stop an anxiety attack from happening, or stop it from being intense. But the effects of the rest of the day kept me otherwise productive and I didn't have a whole day of screwing up.

Day 1 - Meditation Experiment

Meditated? Yes
Music: Vas - Rememberence
Weight: 183
Caloric intake: 787
Fat intake: 9
Carbs: 138
Sugar intake: 67
Water intake: 5 glasses
Exercise time: 30 minutes

I had midterms to do and set up my kid's new toddler bed. So I didn't eat very well. But I did manage to exercise (which I did by cleaning! Double productivity bonus!), get all my work done, play with my kid, and drink lots of water. All of the things I could have had anxiety about were out the window.